The Cockeyed

Back in the good old days of the late 60s and early 70s, when we were kids at school, a joke used to circulate: Why do our royal family members, when in public, present themselves in black shades? Sartorial response: They got cockeyed. A more serious one goes like this: They cannot face the public eye-to-eye. They have to protect themselves from the public glare, hence they wear dark sunglasses, indoor or outdoor, does not matter, in public.

Having black shades in public offers a psychological advantage — you can see them, but they cannot see you. It is one-way or one-sided. It is like driving a car with tinted windscreens. Traffic police knew of possible mischiefs, so they often ban them. However, VIPs are exempted. You have a problem when PIVs turn into VIPs overnight. Read PIVs as Persons of Insignificant Values.

Keanu Reeves in Parliament

With an increasing number of MPs attending the House sessions with kalo chasma, like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix, the Honorable Speaker had to do something about this syndrome. Forget about banning kalo chasma, there is also an immediate need for a dress code. What do you do if someone presents himself wearing undergarments? Today you come with sneakers, tomorrow you come with Gold Star flip-flops? Mister Speaker banned kalo chasma unless there are medical or health-related issues. This affected not just his inflated ego, but his super-ego. As a countermove, he got a prescription from the Army Hospital. Don’t ever question, “Why the Army Hospital, and not any of the public hospitals?” Thanks to the Army, it is a savior in this country. But this reminded me of a class-bunking student seeking a lame excuse for sick leave with a fake doctor’s prescription. No wonder we end up with physical brawls or fights with medicos in hospitals. At this point, more inquisitive readers may ask AI or ChatGPT about the Kalo Chasma scam in the Indian Parliament.

Mother Nature Pulling Off His Undergarments

ADVERTISEMENT Xtreme - Inside

In social media, someone commented: On August 10, the day the House was planning to strip him of his kalo chasma, Mother Nature connived something different. It pulled off his underwear and made him walk naked. Isn’t this similar to Hans Christian Andersen’s Emperor’s New Clothes? Hence you come up with a series of bak-baks: "We invited, no, we did not invite international rescue operations"; "The actual damage to hydropower is over 400 MW, no, over 4,000 MW"; "What is the location of Krishnabhir?"; "There is no technology to rescue people from deep underground tunnels in mountains"; "I will not participate, no, I will participate in UNGA."

Comrade Prachanda has a new theory on kalo chasma now: He doesn’t want to see our faces. Or his face? An economist looks for a black cat in a dark room. A philosopher looks for a black cat in a dark room where there is no cat at all. A politician looks for a black cat in a dark room where there is no cat at all, but claims from time to time, “I got it, I got it.” We have Sri Panch Balen Sarkar seeking a black cat in a dark room, where there is no cat at all, with kalo chasma, periodically making a big meow: “We are here for bikas, deshbanaune ayeko, our vehicle will not stop until we arrive at our destination,” and so on. Now, Mother Nature has not only disrupted roads, bridges, and vehicles, but even the destination is now blurred.

There are unsolicited advices in the market: The most powerful PM of the world is making a most powerful dhamaka in the UN, do homework before making your presentation, include experts and scientists in your travel team, have advisors to write your speech, etc. But this scribe is more worried about eccentricities like:

  • Pulling out at the last minute, saying urgent things to do back home rather than attending a gaff-shop;

  • Presenting himself in a different or shocking attire, forget wearing kalo chasma during indoor formal and informal meetings, wearing a white suit with black Gold Star sneakers, a Bhadgaule topi with a ponytail;

  • Rushing in or out of the UNGA to the amazement and bewilderment of many.

I pray to God: “Please, save my country from further damage at the international stage.” If we can have this much in five months, imagine the shape of things to come in five years.